My Wedding, Your Decision

Sharon & Theresa's wedding

Sharon & Theresa

Do you ever struggle with making a decision? You just don’t like any of the options. Seems likeyour choices are to do nothing or pick a solution that you’re not in love with.

Speaking of love I got married on June 22, which means I’ve been doing some wedding planning. When I say “wedding” don’t think church, large crowds, or white gowns. Think backyard, a couple of guests, and yoga pants. My partner and I have lived together for 15 years. But when it became legal for us to marry in Oregon we decided to it was time.

But Not Urgent.

There wasn’t a deadline. We’re not having a baby, we already live together, and there wasn’t any family pressure. But my sister was scheduled to visit from Washington D.C. so it seemed like the perfect time.

Bridezilla?

Of course planning big weddings with mucho decisions about caterers, bridal parties, dove releases, and champagne toasts create big stress. But you wouldn’t think a teeny weeny wedding would create any decision making stress. Especially a wedding where you can wear yoga pants.

But it did. You have to understand that my partner and I are very different people. If it were up to her she would gone to the courthouse and been done with it. She wanted to marry me. She didn’t necessarily want others involved.

I, on the other hand, wanted witnesses. My community is really important to me. I knew I wouldn’t be inviting 100 of my closest friends. But I wanted someone there.

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, NOT

One of the advantages of a non-traditional relationship is that we don’t have traditional roles. I’ve seen plenty of relationships where the bride decides what the wedding will be like with some to little input from the groom.

Not so when you have two opinionated women. In our relationship when it comes to important decisions (or decisions we care about like which rug to buy) we wait until we have a choice with which we’re both happy. As you can imagine there is often a waiting period. Sometimes a long waiting period. But interestingly enough we always find a perfect choice whether it’s a wedding or rug.

How about your “wedding?”

I bet you have a decision you need to make. Maybe it’s a fun one like where to go on vacation. Will it be Tahiti, Seattle, or Kokomo, Indiana? So many possibilities…

Or maybe you’ve been putting off a decision like how you’re going to loose weight. It seems so overwhelming. So many choices and you’re afraid they’ll all involve deprivation.

When I work with my coaching clients I sometimes hear angst when there isn’t a clear decision. The conversation goes something like this. “I know I don’t want to stay where I am, but I don’t know where I want to go.”

Or “Where I am isn’t quite right, but I don’t like any of the other options.”

“Where I am” can be a physical location, a job, a health status, a relationship… If you’re stalling on a decision does that make you a procrastinator? What if it just isn’t time to make a decision? What if by waiting you allow the perfect choice time to show up?

To decide or not to decide

One of the great things about consciously tabling a decision until more data becomes available is that your stress gets reduced. Allow that potential decision to perch on your shoulder and it takes energy every day. But when you stick it in a box in a closet and promise to come back to it you can focus more freely on what’s at hand.

Your Assignment

Pick one decision that you know you’ve been needing or wanting to make. Got it? Now feel into whether it’s time to make the decision or park it.

Notice how you feel with each option. Does deciding feel better? How about waiting? And if you’re waiting what do you need to know to make the decision?

I’d love to hear what you decided and how you feel about it here.

Don’t “Just Do It!”

Since 1988 Nike’s Just Do It slogan has been adding zeros to Nike’s bottom line. No one can argue that old shoesit’s a great tagline for them. Well known, easy to remember, and inspiring to athletes and coach potatoes alike.

Even though it’s served Nike well, I don’t think it’s a great tagline for how to “do life.” Honestly, I only take issue with three parts of it: just, do, and it.

Wait a Minute

Who am I to argue with the genius of a large ad agency that represents clients like Facebook and Coke Cola? Who am I to argue with a slogan that has been inspiring the masses to buy shoes (and socks and sunglasses and water bottles…) for 27 years?

The phrase sells shoes. I’m not interested in selling shoes. I’m interested in connecting people to their most inspired (and inspiring) life. I don’t recommend “Just Do It” as the best way to get there.

Being “Just”

Just, among its definitions, means “actually or really.” In other words “really” do it.

As opposed to dreaming, thinking about doing it, talking about why you can’t do it, having a snack, calling a friend, filing your nails, browsing Facebook, having another snack…

Sometimes we need that kick in the butt to get off our butts and make our “it” happen. Sometimes action IS what’s required. But when we jump to the assumption that “just” doing is the answer when we haven’t even figured out the question, we’re premature in our process. I see people pushing, busy, busy, busy, doing stuff day after day, yet not feel successful.

“Just” marginalizes what needs to happen, as if doing or not doing was the only problem. As in, if you just did “it” life would be wonderful. If you just got out and ran (wearing Nike’s, of course) you would be healthier, heck maybe even an Olympian.

But if this is something worth doing, if this is the thing you feel called to do, then your “it” deserves more focus and intention than a dismissive “just.”

Do, Be, Do, Be, Do?

So what about the “do” part? Taking action is at some point essential. But it must be preceded with some “being,” that place where divine inspiration comes in, where ideas gestate. Maybe some taking stock, some listening and sometimes even some waiting.

It’s okay, even necessary to take some time before doing. There’s your timing. And there’s divine timing. Sometimes we need to make ready. Sometimes the universe needs to line things up. If you’ve ever pushed, worked, and plodded to make something happen only to feel frustrated as the project ground to a halt, then you may not have laid your groundwork. It also might not be the “right” time. No amount of “just doing” will unblock the logjam.

The “just do it” attitude implies that it’s all up to you. That there isn’t a greater power at work here. But there is.

That “Just Do It” stuff can keep you busy all day. What about right action? To have right action you must first have inner awareness. You must listen. You must wait for a puff of divine inspiration to blow your way.

Sometimes the most fearless thing you can do is wait. Don’t confuse making excuses, distraction or your delay tactics with waiting for right timing.

When is the time for doing? Good question. It goes back to the awareness piece. You’ll feel clear. You’ll feel excited about your next step.

Here’s the really cool thing. When you’re not pushing yourself to “just do it,” when you’ve waited for that inspiration, for knowing, then you don’t have to push. You want to move. And move you do.

Your “It”

Before you do “it,” you have to figure out what your “it” is. Tricky territory. Sometimes we go after an “it” that belongs to our parents, a boss, or our culture. To live an inspired life you must have a taste of what your “it” is. Doesn’t work if you’re driving to someone else’s it.

Sometimes the bravest thing to do is to go on an inner expedition to find your “it.” It takes space. It takes quiet. It takes commitment.

Your brain is a valuable resource. It usually remembers your address, your route home, your favorite brand of tennis shoes, be they Nike or other. But your brain isn’t always the best place to source your “it.”

Better Places to Check for Your “It.”

Try your heart, a repository of wisdom of what moves and motivates you. Gosh, maybe you’ll be so moved that you won’t need a catchy slogan to inspire you to action.

Trust your gut. Those twitchy, slippery ever-present feelings sandwiched between yesterday’s pizza and your morning corn flakes can inform you about what matters to YOU.

You may have to build your awareness muscles. If you haven’t been listening you have to relearn/learn those skills. But do 15 awareness crunches a day and pretty soon you’ll find yourself with flat awareness muscles. And looking proud, balancing right on top, you might just find your “it.”

Be patient. You’ll know it’s yours because you’ll feel a sense of excitement coupled with a feeling of “this is it.”

Your “it” calls you for a reason. It helps you to heal, to grow. It helps you to offer your gifts to the world, to have more joy. And in order to be up to speed with your “it” you probably need to do some inner work. You might need to shift some beliefs.

I know “Just Do It” is much simpler than my process. My tagline would suck. Something like “Know what you want. Get aligned with it. Wait for inspiration and then act.” I won’t be selling many shoes with that baby. It probably won’t turn you into a world-class athlete either. But you might just have more success and be happier in the process too.

Do you know what your “it” is? I’d love for you to share it here.